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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

I want some sugar.

I woke up with crusty eyes and a slight kink in my shoulder. 
The left one. 
She's always been more battered than the right.
I sat up and I said "Awakening, I smile. A brand new day is before me. I vow to live each moment mindfully and to look upon all beings with eyes of compassion."
I sighed and questioned my sincerity and began my way into my morning routine.
Tired? Check.
Thirsty? Check.
Brush teeth? Done.
Coffee or tea? Tea.

I walked into my Alysa Room.
I lit a candle.
I moved through my exercises and then I meditated.
It was a noisy sit. The same drama that's been outside my head for weeks...came inside to yell "you aren't a good parent. You are an undesirable girlfriend. You're a terrible teacher and you made boxed crappy cake full of shitty ingredients all the while knowing that you added suffering to the world but masked it with chocolate."

And then, I returned to my breath.
For another 20 minutes, the internal dialogue of yelling disappointments versus a calm 'can I catch your attention, I am quiet?' whispering continued until a chime on my phone brought me back to the 'let's get Atticus ready for school' checklist and I stood up and bid my drama adieu.

So far, I have burnt 3 fingers, ran out of creamer, I can't find my glasses and the dogs are farting.
I could leave it at that.
I could go back to bed but instead, I made breakfast for a hungry little boy.
I won tickets to The Rialto so I get an unexpected date night with my sweetie.
I get to see the eye doctor and order new glasses today so I can manage with some cheap readers for a week or so.

And I realized that my mind stirs a lot of stuff up.
Everyday.
Every moment I have a choice of whether or not I want to stir the pot.
Should I turn the heat up?
Or let it cool?

Should I use the same seasonings of insecurity and jealousy because that what I used last time?
That's what's easy to find?
It's what I'm used to.

I guess, I could.
Or I could try something new or at least different.

So, like I did as I bit into a persimmon for breakfast, I am going to give something else a try.
Something a bit bold but also sweet.
I am going to pretend I ran out of that salty bitterness of fear and doubt and scourge the pantry for some spicy hot chocolate to go with my meal.

I'm going to choose some sweetness today.
I'm gonna let it melt in my mouth and take a breath between sips and bites because I'm in charge of what nourishes me.


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