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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Lay...Baby, lay.

I'm going to be a child for a minute.
Or forever.
I am a child.
Emotionally...I'm a big fucking baby.
If someone says something sweet to me...I cling to it like cobwebs on a feather duster and if it's mean?
It sinks into my heart as if it's job had been meant to be to stop the beating and my resistance is offensive.
I'm a fully realized baby and I know it.
Recently, I was told that "everything in my life is a big deal and I need to get over it".
The truth is?
Yes!
Everything is a big freakin deal. 
It is.
I have had the privilege or curse (depending on my moody perspective) to know almost 30 people to have died.
Some of them have been close friends or family members  and some have been acquaintances but regardless...my wide eyed and mushy, gushy bleeding heart has held each and everyone was as important as the other.
If our friendship had gapped for a few years...to me?
Time is irreverent.
If we had only shared moments...it does not matter.
My heart and brain says "I love you and now... I will never know why you paused to smile at me, over and over."
I love like a fierce fire and I mourn like the gravest of the living.
I'm over the top, I guess.
So...as often happens...I am tired and writing because my brain knows that waking up the man who loves me to express how pissed I am...would be rude despite the fact that he said some super shitastic stuff tonight.
I feel broken.
Again.
I am tired and angry and confused and know that I could and should stop before I react with a lease contract that seals the deal of breaking up.
Agh...but what will I do instead?
I will write and post my 'Dear Diary' to all of the 3 folks that might read this.
Life isn't hard. 
Not for me...I have things that interrupt my day but rarely are they terrible and when they are...if I am paying attention? 
I learn something.
Tonight?
I don't want to learn.
I am going to vent.
I am going to go to sleep and fight a really good habit of running away.
I really want to run away from everything. 
I want to say " Fuck you" but I'm old and a mother and people frown upon that AND I care about stupid shit like that.
So?
Good night.


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