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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Just a mini breakdown, that's all.

In the past 2 weeks my son has been kicked out of his Spring Break Camp for running into the parking lot and throwing his food at kids, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and given an appointment that is still 2 weeks away, he has been suspended from riding the school bus for the rest of the year because he tried to get off the bus by taking over the steering wheel and opening the emergency exit because he didn't like the noise the kids were making. He was suspended from his after school program on Monday because he exposed himself over and over. Yesterday, I had to pick him up because he ran into the street because the cafeteria was out of mustard and then assaulted the safety officer who came to restrain him.

This morning, he practiced yoga and his violin.

He behaves when he feels safe but cannot keep it together when he is in public.
He grabbed a little girl in a restaurant and took her into the street a few weeks ago.

The only reason he was allowed out of my sight in the first place was because my in laws think I need to give him more freedom.
I've been listening to everyone's opinions ever since I had him:

Because he was born via c-section, he can't connect with others.
His father is full of negative energy and that energy infected his sperm so, ya know negative sperm energy.
He eats too much gluten. He doesn't have a gluten allergy.
He was born a Scorpio.
He's just too smart for the teachers and needs more freedom.
He needs more structure.
He needs a psychic to send him good vibes.
He needs to be spanked.
He should be drugged.

His newest principal told her staff "that it was obvious that I didn't have a clue" after meeting with me after suspending him the first time. 

I'm exhausted. 

I've never been good at trusting myself. 
I stayed in an abusive relationship for years because I thought I deserved to be treated poorly.
I have a history of poor decisions and here I am again.
I don't have a clue. 
I am lost.

Yesterday, I barely kept it together as I picked him up from school, again. 
The principal, vice principal, school psychologist, safety officer and Gifted children supervisor listing off a bunch of reasons why he is terrible THIS time.
It's been so stressful, that on Monday when I came home I was so stuck in my head with fear and grief that I didn't notice that Atticus had cut a huge chunk of hair off, again.

His therapist has been very helpful but like all the others...she says she can't connect with him.
He says what he knows people want to hear.
Except today he told me that his favorite thing is to sneak away and try to do things he knows are bad.
This kid?
This kid who gives his toys away, who desperately wants friends, wants play dates and sleepovers does everything he can to be untrustworthy and unlikable. 
My heart is breaking.

I am about to walk into a room full of school administrators who think I'm a terrible parent.
I'm going to accompanied by my husband and that means so much to me but I'm just so tired, I can't think straight anymore.