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Sunday, May 11, 2014

Earth to Mama! Hello? Where's my socks?

It's 8am and my son is still sleeping.
Happy Mother's Day to me!

I love this person and he knows it.
He's 5 and a half as of 6 days ago.
He was very upset that I had not planned a 1/2 Birthday Bash for him.
"Why didn't I send out invitations?"
"Am I even thinking about his 6th Birthday Party, yet?"
"Oh you even have a jumping castle reserved and when are we going to Disneyland...I've never been in my whole life?!"

This guy...
My precious little boy who fluctuates between being my Cuddle-Muffin-Kiss-My-Boo-Boos for me and now the Shut-the-Door-I-Can-Do-It-All-By-Myself kid makes my heart flutter, sink, rage and soften to a place of comfortable vulnerability.

He is so strong.
So generous.
He wants what he wants but he will share it with everybody once he gets it.
This little boy is smart, curious, defiant and honest about it.
Like me, he has that very self inconvenient habit of admitting his follies.
"Mama...I broke this, I stole your lipstick, I cut up your shirt to make it more beautiful, I peed in the trash can to see what would happen".
He tells me all of it.
Or so I tell myself.

I love this age.
I remember my best friend telling me that each age was her favorite and I finally get it.
Newborn Atticus came in the midst of a crumbling marriage and I thnk he knew it.
Every night from 4 to whenever, his lungs wailed with cries and I remember holding him and thinking this speechless person is able to express my frustration in the most raw and honest way.
How will I ever show him love when our home is so dark and confining?
It was the complete opposite of how I wanted him to see the world.
During our divorce and transition, this boy kept me going.
He reminded me that I would be better...this was a stage and we would evolve and grow up together.
I'm finally growing up and he is a little boy.
Sometimes, he seems so much wiser than me and other times with fingers in nose, mouth and every other germ filled place I remember...nope he DOESN'T know everything.
I'm the Mama.
I make the breakfast, brush his hair, kiss his boo-boos, tell him when the scary parts of E.T. are over and I will be responsible for him for a long time and also have to find that balance between holding his hand tightly and then letting him run, fall and make a lot of mistakes.
A lot, I am sure.

So...Happy Mother's Day to me, to my own mother and grandmother and my community that tries to nurture and support us all on this brief little walk through life.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Fleshy Time in the desert.

Oh, God!

Yesterday, my boyfriend posted a picture of me walking towards him in a bikini.
I freaked!
All I saw in the picture was that the light hit my thighs in such a way that you could see...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Some cellulite.
Sort of.

I was pissed.
I went into my room.
Looked at the photo and totally missed that in the foreground was an incredible picture of my son looking so damn happy and impressed with his beach find.
I didn't see that...I just noticed that my thighs revealed what is a hint of fat beneath the skin.

Of course, what was kind of awesome about this whole little thing is that I am going to be speaking at a book launch on Sunday about how being photographed in my chonies has increased my ability to love myself and focus on more important things like taking care of my emotional and mental health and loving my son but here I was...about to break down in tears over a photo that showed me less than perfect.

What a bunch of bullshit.

So...I looked at the photo again and I 'liked' it.
Did I, for reals? least not the 4th and 5th time I checked it out but then I decided to look at my son.
I looked at his smile and I remembered the moment of when the picture was taken:
I had been strutting my stuff up and down that sliver of beach thinking to myself 
Damn, for almost 40... I am looking good.'

I am, damn it.

And to let a beautiful moment shared between the two most precious fellas in my life to suddenly be overshadowed with the realization that 'oh, I have cellulite and my ass jiggles when I walk' is stupid.
Just stupid. it is folks.
Here I am.
In a bikini.
Having an awesome time with my boys.