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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Story of Too Much Information.

We're approaching the beginning of a New Year and a new decade for me.
A few days ago I was feeling hopeful and awake but again that hammer of doubt has come pounding behind me saying "you have to be perfect and you're not". 
It's the worst trait. I have never had much a problem with pride but doubt?
It's the worst and it's as if it got stuck somewhere deep inside of me and I've been feeding it my whole life. 
Not all the time or even a lot but just enough to keep it alive and pissed off because it hasn't been able to fully thrive so it gets hungry and it starts scratching at my heart and my head and I find myself today thinking that even though I know I haven't fucked up THIS week...everyone thinks I'm a loser. 
I'm a big hot mess of disaster and it sucks. 
I'm feeling sorry for myself but instead of thinking 'poor me, poor baby' it's actually the opposite.
I don't love me today. I don't even like me.
I'm feeling gross, inefficient, sloppy, short tempered and have taken up eating bread as my main food group.
I guess...and I hope I am having an ebb of rolling towards the bottom, crashing hard, pausing and then floating back up to a place of more ease.
I suppose the issue that's making this all feel so overwhelming and suffocating is that I think I'm not supposed to feel this way.
I put so much energy and thought into being in acceptance of the moment but ugggghhh...I hate this. 
I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting to scream and cry anytime anyone else shows a bit of impatience towards me. I hate that I look in the mirror and only see a phony face with a boring nose. 
I hate the fake tone of my hair but I'm not ready to be old.
I'm failing at everything I try to be good at.
I'n in full Winter mode but I'm not even doing that well.
Does that make sense?
I want to be alone but I still have another week before I get more than a handful of hours to myself and knowing me...I will probably do everything I can to feel guilty about it.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Is it PMS?
Is it depression? 
Is it...oh, is it...too much gluten?
I'm hell bent on doubting all of those possibilities by the way and I'm preparing to go on a retreat and I'm terrified that all of the people I meet will see what a loser I am and I will just have a much longer list of folks disappointed in me.

This will pass.
Yesterday...I felt content.
Yesterday...I was in love with everyone.
We are beginning a New Year and I am feeling scared, unstable and wanting so much to hide in a corner and cry but I don't have the time so I will do it right now.
In front of everyone.

Monday, December 15, 2014

It's my Top 40.

I know, I know age is but a state of mind. 
It ain't nothing but a number however tomorrow I will be 40 years old which means I've been breathing on this planet for 14,609 days.
I like to think that I've used most of this time wisely.
I like to think that but it isn't true.
I've spent much time not doing much of anything and plenty of time engaging in mindless and/or reckless behavior.
What I can do now is reflect and notice what I have learned about myself and this world we live in.
The following things aren't intended to be pearls of wisdom but my own life's observations so humor me and then go on with your day.
Thank you.

1. I do not like doughnuts not even a little.
2. No matter how old they get...ones siblings will always be inappropriate and gross and by siblings I mean my 3 brothers.
3. My useless defense mechanism of internally saying "fuck you, I'm going to laugh in your face" when challenged with criticism or discipline is still something I default to when feeling wounded.
5. I am more like my mother than I am not.
6. I will always enjoy watching The Wizard of Oz.
7. Having big cartoon eyes can often get me out of or attract trouble.
8. I wish I didn't worry so much about people liking me but I do.
9. Being alone is wonderful.
10. Cooking is a craft, a meditation and an act of love.
11. How the toilet paper rolls is important to some people but not to me.
12. I don't have a favorite color.
13. I like music that reminds me of salty air, stormy nights and whiskey. It's true...I'm a fan of Pirate Songs.
14. Being a mother is something I adore and something I continuously question my ability to do well.
15. No matter how many therapists I see, how much I meditate and practice yoga ...I am still neurotic and human. 
16. I love to learn.
17. Breakfast is my least favorite meal.
18. I am fickle about everything or am I?
19. I am riddled with doubt but don't question that it is my most self destructive quality.
20. I prefer weather that is too hot to too cold and I most definitely do not like the feeling of wind but I like the sound of it.
21. The theramin and water phone are under appreciated instruments.
22. I am a loyal friend.
23. I am a passionate lover.
24. The world will always be in conflict but there is never a moment wasted to make that untrue.
25. I want Universal Healthcare.
26. I grit my teeth whenever I hear footsteps coming up quickly behind me on a city street.
27. Being told to smile pisses me off.
28. I prefer to grocery shop daily than buy in bulk.
29. I can sing fairly well when alone or with Atticus but only then.
30. I feel sad that people are attracted to justifying prejudices and that we have entertainment networks that masquerade as news networks to further the oppression of others.
31. I often confuse my anxiety for anger.
32. There is never a season that isn't boot season.
33. I have accomplished more than I expected but not what I expected.
34. Love and attraction may not always be found with who you think it's going to be with.
35. I like to fight and debate and be proven wrong.
36. Art is the best way to communicate from the heart without words or hugs.
37. I'm not a hugger but want to be.
38. I still want my Daddy when times are confusing or unclear.
39. I take the pain of clients home with me even though I know it's unhealthy.
40. Smothering tofu with hot sauce is better than just eating hot sauce with a spoon.

That's it. 
Or atleast that's 40 things and I'm all about that number today.