We're approaching the beginning of a New Year and a new decade for me.
A few days ago I was feeling hopeful and awake but again that hammer of doubt has come pounding behind me saying "you have to be perfect and you're not".
It's the worst trait. I have never had much a problem with pride but doubt?
It's the worst and it's as if it got stuck somewhere deep inside of me and I've been feeding it my whole life.
Not all the time or even a lot but just enough to keep it alive and pissed off because it hasn't been able to fully thrive so it gets hungry and it starts scratching at my heart and my head and I find myself today thinking that even though I know I haven't fucked up THIS week...everyone thinks I'm a loser.
I'm a big hot mess of disaster and it sucks.
I'm feeling sorry for myself but instead of thinking 'poor me, poor baby' it's actually the opposite.
I don't love me today. I don't even like me.
I'm feeling gross, inefficient, sloppy, short tempered and have taken up eating bread as my main food group.
I guess...and I hope I am having an ebb of rolling towards the bottom, crashing hard, pausing and then floating back up to a place of more ease.
I suppose the issue that's making this all feel so overwhelming and suffocating is that I think I'm not supposed to feel this way.
I put so much energy and thought into being in acceptance of the moment but ugggghhh...I hate this.
I hate feeling this way. I hate wanting to scream and cry anytime anyone else shows a bit of impatience towards me. I hate that I look in the mirror and only see a phony face with a boring nose.
I hate the fake tone of my hair but I'm not ready to be old.
I'm failing at everything I try to be good at.
I'n in full Winter mode but I'm not even doing that well.
Does that make sense?
I want to be alone but I still have another week before I get more than a handful of hours to myself and knowing me...I will probably do everything I can to feel guilty about it.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Is it PMS?
Is it depression?
Is it...oh, is it...too much gluten?
I'm hell bent on doubting all of those possibilities by the way and I'm preparing to go on a retreat and I'm terrified that all of the people I meet will see what a loser I am and I will just have a much longer list of folks disappointed in me.
This will pass.
Yesterday...I felt content.
Yesterday...I was in love with everyone.
We are beginning a New Year and I am feeling scared, unstable and wanting so much to hide in a corner and cry but I don't have the time so I will do it right now.
In front of everyone.