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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Just a mini breakdown, that's all.

In the past 2 weeks my son has been kicked out of his Spring Break Camp for running into the parking lot and throwing his food at kids, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and given an appointment that is still 2 weeks away, he has been suspended from riding the school bus for the rest of the year because he tried to get off the bus by taking over the steering wheel and opening the emergency exit because he didn't like the noise the kids were making. He was suspended from his after school program on Monday because he exposed himself over and over. Yesterday, I had to pick him up because he ran into the street because the cafeteria was out of mustard and then assaulted the safety officer who came to restrain him.

This morning, he practiced yoga and his violin.

He behaves when he feels safe but cannot keep it together when he is in public.
He grabbed a little girl in a restaurant and took her into the street a few weeks ago.

The only reason he was allowed out of my sight in the first place was because my in laws think I need to give him more freedom.
I've been listening to everyone's opinions ever since I had him:

Because he was born via c-section, he can't connect with others.
His father is full of negative energy and that energy infected his sperm so, ya know negative sperm energy.
He eats too much gluten. He doesn't have a gluten allergy.
He was born a Scorpio.
He's just too smart for the teachers and needs more freedom.
He needs more structure.
He needs a psychic to send him good vibes.
He needs to be spanked.
He should be drugged.

His newest principal told her staff "that it was obvious that I didn't have a clue" after meeting with me after suspending him the first time. 

I'm exhausted. 

I've never been good at trusting myself. 
I stayed in an abusive relationship for years because I thought I deserved to be treated poorly.
I have a history of poor decisions and here I am again.
I don't have a clue. 
I am lost.

Yesterday, I barely kept it together as I picked him up from school, again. 
The principal, vice principal, school psychologist, safety officer and Gifted children supervisor listing off a bunch of reasons why he is terrible THIS time.
It's been so stressful, that on Monday when I came home I was so stuck in my head with fear and grief that I didn't notice that Atticus had cut a huge chunk of hair off, again.

His therapist has been very helpful but like all the others...she says she can't connect with him.
He says what he knows people want to hear.
Except today he told me that his favorite thing is to sneak away and try to do things he knows are bad.
This kid?
This kid who gives his toys away, who desperately wants friends, wants play dates and sleepovers does everything he can to be untrustworthy and unlikable. 
My heart is breaking.

I am about to walk into a room full of school administrators who think I'm a terrible parent.
I'm going to accompanied by my husband and that means so much to me but I'm just so tired, I can't think straight anymore.


  1. No judgment whatsoever coming from me. And even if you wanted advice, I've none to offer. I was a family therapist for 20 yrs and I'm stumped. Love and support from as many as possible WILL get you through this.

  2. Sending you so much love. And the reminder that you are a wonderful parent. Your son is blessed to have you as an advocate.

  3. we've got your back, Alyssa. Anything.

  4. I feel your pain. I really do. I can only offer empathy, compassion and a hug. I can also tell you that I have received relentless criticism of how I raise and discipline my son from his father since our son was 1 years old. He is now 6. I am a bad mother. Sometimes, I try to fight back and assert that I am good, I know what I am doing. It gets flipped around on me. Then, I cry and I admit I am a bad mother. Then there is a little kindness. But only when I cry and admit that I am a bad mother. Is that the truth of it? Do these people, administrators, authoritarian parents, need for us to say that we are bad mothers for them to help us? Why can't it be, "You know, my child has some issues and I am having a hard time managing this alone. I'm not sure what you are suggesting is the right way. Can we explore options together?" I feel your pain. I want to give you a hug.

    1. By the way, I have no idea how to leave comments or put my name on this profile thingy. This is Krishna. :0)

  5. I don't have much to offer you except empathy and moral support. I am not a mother and have never raised a child, so I have little direct experience from which to speak. I did teach school (alternative ed...but older kida/young adults) for nearly 10 years. What I can tell you from that experience is that I have seen really amazing, bright, stable, mature beyond their years kids come out of seemingly neglectful and downright abusive environments and I have seen kids who were challenged with a plethora of issues and thus challenged everyone around them come out of seemingly supportive, nurturing, attentive environments. What that taught me over and over again is that there are no 100% right ways of teaching, learning, growing, or living. You just have to keep on learning as you go. Not sure that is helpful right this minute, but it is all I've got. Much love and respect for you!

  6. This has me bawling, no one ever shares this. Thank you for sharing. My only answers are, be there and love him fully. My son (5 yr) has some of the same characteristics, not in school yet, only a Waldorf kindergarten and got kicked out this week for a day. He is highly sensitive, profoundly focused and intensely emotional. I'm often crying and worrying but trying to do my best for him. I wish you so much strength, peace and love. Xoxo