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Thursday, June 9, 2016

Nothing sweet to read here.

So, I have been avoiding the Stanford Rape case with gusto.
I'm sympathetic.
I can relate but I'm also crazy sensitive and overwhelmed with a traumatic past.
Molested (Assaulted, really as I was forced to suck dick, twice) at 4 years old?
Check.
Molested by classmates on the bus on a regular basis because I was one of the 1st to need a bra?
Check.
Felt up and barraged by my P.E. Teacher, Mr. Howe?
Check.
Raped twice by an ex-boy friend who once threw me against a wall at The Finelne and choked me?
Check.

I had many weird encounters over the years.
As do many women.

I was followed home late at night a few times by men masterbating.
Weird, right?

once sat at a coffee shop in Portland and had a man pleasure himself as I tried to ignore him and drink my Chai. 

I was groped mid day by a guy as I walked around downtown submitting resumes and looking for a job...

But the worst was walking home late at night and being pummeled to the ground by a man who pulled down my pants and assaulted me until I kicked him in the face and kneed him in the groin.
My case was dismissed by lack of evidence. 
I was 17. 
I was fucking terrified and waited 2 days to report it.

Reading the Stanford rape victim's account has been something I have been trying to avoid because I just can't. 
I can't.
I do NOT want to feel helpless again.
I can't handle it.
I want to get over these memories but I haven't, yet.

My husband can't even playfully tickle me without me losing my shit.
I keep my keys between my fingers late at night.
I check license plates when ever guys honk or tailgate me during my drive ( they even do it while my son is in the car).

I want to believe that I am over this shit but here I am....winding down from a weird and emotionally charged week and I just want to tell this young man and his father and jackass judge that his suffering isn't shit.
Is he a good person? 
Overall?
Maybe.
Will he redeem himself?
I fucking hope so...
But as a woman who has spent years in counseling, who meditates every goddamn day....who still flinches when she hears footsteps behind her...your sentence?
It's like having to eat bread dry.
That's it.
When you are the actual victim?
No matter how much forgiveness you practice?
The trauma? 
The feeling of wanting to flee, collapse or just straight up die?
It doesn't ever go away.

I hope you will do good.
I believe people can change...but you are not the victim, Mr. Brock whatever your name is....
You have an opportunity to learn and be humble.
You need to recognize that physical violation isn't just 'minutes'. 
It's forever.
So? 
Fuck you, swim boy.
I'm so pissed but tomorrow? 
I'm going to walk down the street as the gorgeous sexy woman that I am.
And I will do it again and again and know that I do NOT deserve abuse or harassment of any kind. 







2 comments:

  1. Powerful. So sorry for all you've gone through - some of that is in my story, too. You are strong and you are a survivor and it's ok not to read things that trigger you. That's part of how you protect yourself. You get to say no, always, to anything that doesn't serve you. XO

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  2. Little niece...that is how I think of you, there was never any information about your childhood abuse. Horrible. I had no idea. So sorry to hear of it. To this day I can't talk with my siblings, your mother, my sister, my brothers because the memories of that time are so bad. For what it is worth a person wiser than I was helping me and I asked "When will it all go away?" The man said it never will, I must find a way to adapt. Your words here seem to show that you are adapting. Take pride in that. If you ever find yourself unable and you need a safe place to run to, just holler, give me and Mary a call. God bless. -Chuck

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