Tomorrow is my son's 6th Birthday Party.
So...I should be monitoring the cake baking situation in my kitchen. I have a dozen cupcakes (for the School Fall festival that happens in 4 hours) and a gluten free cake option (for the birthday party) in the oven and considering the fact that this is year #2 that I busted the homemade piñata a day before the big day I really shouldn't be adding another distraction to my afternoon but I am.
It's my happy cathartic place to vent and try to sort out the ridiculousness of my life.
The past month has already felt like a years worth of drama condensed into 30 days.
I confronted my mother and created boundaries, I am feeling insecure at work, I've had 2 or 3 colds and allergic reactions to whatever is happening in the desert, my boyfriend bought a house so I did my not as usual as it used to be "Oh, things are going the way I've always hoped in a relationship? Well, then...let's break up because I am hormonal and I don't trust happiness to last".
If I were an astrology type I'd be knocking on Mercury's door with a bag full of stinky hot poop awaiting it's return home but I'm too tired to be that motivated.
Often, I wish I was more of the "believing" type because I wouldn't be so damn willing to take responsibility for my part in this mess of chaos. I am entirely a willing and active participant.
Of course, in the big scheme of things I can and do count my blessings to be born a privileged white girl from a Middle Class family. I've been given more than my fair share of second and third and a million chances to dust myself off and keep on moving forward but "Wow"...
Yesterday, as I was trying to figure out a new work schedule to accommodate the need to now pick up Atticus from school on Tuesdays and Thursday because he has been kicked out of his After-School program for being too disruptive for teachers who are volunteering their time...
I get a flurry of texts and emails letting me know that I am apparently asking for money to be wired to an account in Instanbul despite being in Catalina and trying not to freak the fuck out as I also check my phone to see if the principle has called again.
My brain, my heart and my ego feels much like my internet account: Hacked, hijacked and lied to.
The cakes in the kitchen are my responsibility but I swear if they burn it will be because the oven is conspiring against me.
The timer is on.
The temperature is set but I don't trust anything to work out with ease.
However, it has.
Cakes are baked...all four of them and the emergency bought piñata is a monster of paper mâché and sparkles and stuffed to the brim with treats.
The party will be happening sooner than later...except before all that I have a Pap Smear, a counseling session with Atticus's Dad and his therapist and then we hit the school celebration in a few hours.
Doctor session goes well...I may feel like I'm dying but according to her I'm not getting to it any faster than I was yesterday so that's a relief.
The counseling session?
Hmmm...well, it was going well until I decided to get too personal and bring up some of The Ex's issues.
(Alysa Volpe, shut up with the need to be an open book about everything, especially other people's shit)
Que the tympani drum roll...
Dad is up, storms out and the counselor and I sit in uncomfortable silence for way to long before going through the motions so that I feel like I get my money's worth for the next 20 minutes that will resolve nothing.
I call him afterwards and get an earful about what a terrible person I am.
I apologize. It's a no win situation. I've spent 20 years trying to be heard and hoping that at some point a moment of recognition, appreciation and acknowledgment might be experienced but I should know by now that I am a bitch, a disappointment and the source of ruin for my Ex's life.
I'm a jerk and me writing this probably won't help to change that perception, either.
My anxiety levels are through the roof and despite my boyfriend's extremely generous and amorous attempts to help me release some of it...I am just gonna have to get through it, feel like shit, want to scream but smile instead and recognize that today...in 3 hours the drama of my life can be put on hold.
Atticus's has been waiting for this day for almost a year and if there's one thing I know is this kid deserves a day of awesome.
He is awesome!